ZECHARIAH - the story behind the song
Friends, I have some exciting news. Well actually, I have a few pieces of exciting news and some thoughts to share. First off, I have released a song on Spotify called ‘Zechariah’ and I really hope you like it. I am writing this blog to share how this song came to be and to introduce my next piece of news. Leaving beloved Benque was very difficult, and you may recall that it was sudden and unexpected. My health over the last few years hasn’t been very good and mission life was too hard on my immune system. Because I was sick so often, I missed a lot of school and wasn’t able to be fully present to the mission 24/7. Administration decided it was best for the students to have a new missionary as Campus Minister and I was sent home to the States. In a more real way however, I was called back to the States by our Lord. There has been an overwhelming amount of peace and grace upholding me during this transition time. Knowing that the change is clearly the Lord’s will makes it much easier to trust, and to be excited about what He’s up to! So I’ve moved to Maine and now work as the Director of Parish Life and Ministry at John Paul II Parish.
‘Zechariah’ is written about discernment, my own and those around me.
I wrote this song in the summer of 2024, right after graduating from Franciscan University. I was reflecting on a recent experience in dating, when I had been quasi-asked out by a wonderful young man, but told on the not-date that he had received a call to the priesthood and wouldn’t be asking me out after all. Yes, that is a running stereotype at Franciscan, and for a reason. A month after that encounter, I was dumped by a different man, also for the sake of discerning the priesthood. I’ve heard from reliable sources (my friends) of this happening many times before to other unsuspecting women. Franciscan just has a culture of discernment, everyone is discerning something: what classes to take, whether to study abroad in Austria, which household to intent to, what spring mission to join, who to date, and the larger “V”- Vocation. I myself had dabbled in such questions. So while I was mildly frustrated at the situation of this not-date, I began to think more about how frustrating it might be for HIM. Discerning religious life is hard. There are many books and articles guaranteeing a method for hearing God’s voice -- promising a foolproof way to perfect clarity. Some are great, some are missing much. I allowed myself to imagine this young man’s own angst in discernment, and I wrote a song.
In the opening chapters of the Gospel of Luke, you can read about Zechariah, husband of Elizabeth and father of John the Baptist. He is a priest and has been chosen by the lot to enter the Holy of Holies in the Temple for a special sacrifice. While there, an angel appears to him, relaying the news that Zechariah’s previously barren, and currently old, wife will conceive. He is flooded with a variety of emotions at this divine encounter but has many doubts and questions. In answer to his doubt, Zechariah’s voice is taken and he is mute. He struggles to believe his experience is real and he can’t tell anyone about it. In the end, he regains his voice by accepting God’s will and naming the child John.
My song, ‘Zechariah,’ is written from God’s perspective to all who struggle with discerning His will, and following it. The young man from the not-date, is one of many young persons I’ve known who are discerning in angst. Later on, the song took on a new meaning, it became about my own frustration in discernment.
I am very grateful for the opportunity to record this song, partially in Belize, and partially in the States, with the help of many many friends. Thank you to Germain for recording, Eric for playing keys and being so wonderful, Anna for violin and being an amazing roommate, Delaney for her ear and harmonies, Jacob for giving of his time, and Lucia for the pictures. And thank you, for listening.
My own discernment has been ongoing, on and off, for about three years. I have consumed many a book about discerning religious life, and taken notes during many a homily. In addition to offering this song to all those in such angst, I also wanted to offer this article as a summary of what I’ve learned so far. It’s not much, but I hope to connect you to resources and give you a solid foundation. I am by no means an expert in discernment, heck I haven’t even entered my vocation yet! So if you are a reader who is discerning, please please please get a good spiritual director who can walk with you! So as weak and ignorant as I am on this topic, I offer you the experience of someone in your shoes. This article also serves as an explanation of my own journey for those who have asked, “Grace went to Belize and is now going to be a sister???” Maybe. We’ll see ;)
God is just that crazy and even more so, He is good.
A PRACTICAL GUIDE to DISCERNMENT
In this reflection we will dive into what discernment is, Fr. Mike’s guide to discernment, St. Ignatius’ method, and common misconceptions. I hope that it will help you in your own decision making, and be a window into my story for friends and family. Much of what I have to share comes from Fr. Mike Smitchz’s book, “How to Make Great Decisions,” St. Ignatius’ writings on discernment, as well as advice I’ve received in spiritual direction and in conversation with vocation directors.
What is discernment? It is the process of letting everything else go quiet, so that in the silence it’s only you and God. Discerning your vocation involves understanding the path to heaven that God is asking you to take.
What is a Vocation? Vocation is a path not a destination. Your Vocation is a response to His love. All Vocations are a call to be a Saint, whether married or consecrated. The One Who made you knows what you need to be a Saint, and His call communicates His love and pursuit of your soul. He wants to be close to you, and Vocation is how He draws you to Himself. The entire process of Him drawing you to Himself -- conversion, discernment, vows etc -- are all your Vocation. The entire path to Him is your vocation, even where you are right now.
Some basic rules for discernment:
Spend a few good years detaching from mortal sins and uprooting venial ones, especially if you are a new convert. Don’t discern in isolation, pray every day, receive the sacraments regularly, and take real initiative. The main thing to remember is to seek the Giver, not the Gift. It’s very common to idolize Vocation, seeking to know your Vocation more than to know God. Fr. Dave Pivonka often quotes his own journey when God told him, “Give up the need to know, for the One who wants to tell you.” God isn’t hiding your vocation from you, you don’t have to earn it. Your vocation is so precious to Him that it is kept safe in His heart, seek His heart and you will be satisfied.
Okay. So if you’re already praying daily, going to Mass and Confession regularly, talking to a spiritual director, then what? What do you do in your time of prayer to actually discern?
Fr, Mike Schmitz outlines a solid approach for making good decisions in general which serves as a good foundation we can build on. He recommends asking yourself and God these four questions in order. Stop if you answer “no” and continue if you answer “yes.”
Is it (the thing you are discerning) morally good? Does God make it clear in the Bible and through the Catholic Church, that this option is morally good and not evil?
Is the door open? Knock and see! You can only discern options that are real and open to you. A closed door either means, “Not yet” or “I have something better for you!”
Is it good for you? This is the tricky part. Is this option going to bring you closer to God? You, with all your unique gifts, faults, dreams, desires, and vices. This is the longest and most involved step in discernment.
Do you want it?
This is a helpful approach for decision making in general, and when I read Fr. Mike’s book in 2024, I adopted this method. It helped me out in everyday life and in practical decisions. But I don’t think the author intended this book to encompass all the nuances of discerning religious life.
When it came to my own vocational discernment, it really was a back and forth. After my first experience of mission work at the Apostolate for Family Consecration, God had wet my pallet for the glory that is self-gift. I started trying to be more open to religious life in the fall of 2023, while taking a course in Theology of the Body with Dr. Asci at Franciscan. I loved the ministry aspect of religious life, but knew little of the real vocation as spouse. After attending a discernment retreat in the spring semester, I was reassured by the Lord that I wasn’t ready yet to know my vocation. So I dated! That’s a whole other story, but here’s the barebones gist of it. I was pretty darn convicted that God’s will was in this relationship and that a marriage would be for the glory of God and for our sanctification. We got very close to engagement, but then we broke up. Tragedy, despair, heartbreak, woe was me. I jest. God was very kind to me and I’m okay. And then, as you know, BELIZE!
In Belize, God approached me with the question of religious life (to say the least) and I began to really wrestle with Him. My main confusion was my previous conviction in that past relationship. Does God just change His mind like that? Was religious life a plan B after a failed plan A? Did I actually hear God’s voice and interpret it correctly in that relationship conviction? What was going on???? Cue the angst. Hence I recorded ‘Zechariah.’
I was in adoration one day in Belize, wrestling with the concept of religious life. A good friend had asked me, “What do you think God wants you to do right now? He’s not asking you to make final vows right now, so what next step is He asking of you right now?” And this became the main subject of my prayer that day. The Lord led me to reach out to a vocations director and boy oh boy was that a good idea. It turns out, people who do vocation directing for a job (in a religious order) are often really really good at it. Here’s what I learned from those conversations.
A call to a vocation is made up of three things: desire, sense of call, and capacity. You have to actually want it! Now, that desire may be tinged with fear but ultimately you know you won’t be satisfied elsewhere. ‘Sense of call’ refers to God’s intervention, if He doesn’t ask it of you, it’s not your vocation. Lastly, capacity. You have to actually be able to fulfill the requirements of that vocation to enter into that vocation, for example: capable of celibacy, good physical health, solid mental health, or the ability to have children in marriage. If you want it and you feel called to it, but you’re not capable of doing it, it’s not God’s will at that time.
Next the vocation’s director explained something that totally shifted my view on discernment. It’s not about either or, either marriage or religious life. Written into our very beings, by the nature of being human, we are designed for marriage. So every human being has the desire, sense of call, and capacity for marriage. You don’t have to discern IF you are called to marriage, more so WHO you are called to marry. Some people don’t have a desire, can’t sense a call, or find they don’t have the capacity for marriage. This is a sign that some growth and healing need to take place. If you don’t want marriage, and/or aren’t capable of the demands of marriage, you probably shouldn’t be considering religious life. The likelihood is that something has happened in your life to create some blockages, and Christ the Healer wants to help. Religious life is a special charism given ON TOP of the natural vocation. It is an extra desire, sense of call, and capacity for something above what we can naturally do on our own. God alone can give this special grace. So discernment isn’t a question of marriage or religious life, it's a question of, “Is God giving me this special charism? Is He giving me the desire, sense of call, and capacity for religious life?”
This approach was mind-blowing to me and helped to answer some of my questions. It was very possible that I could have been a saint through marriage in my previous relationship, and if God is giving me this extra grace on top of that, it wouldn’t negate my past experience of desire, sense of call, and capacity. My wrestling quieted. I began to visit various religious orders as a real and tangible next step.
During a Come and See at a Benedictine Monastery, the priest gave several beautiful homilies on discernment, mainly for my benefit as a visitor (and I was the only visitor so the sisters gave me some knowing and humorous side eye). He explained St Ignatius’ guide for discernment as outlined in his book for priests seeking to pastor their flock. I found this method very enlightening and want to share this with you as well! It can be approached as a four week ‘retreat’ to really take you deep into each topic. But before you start, you need a real tangible question. Not a vague, “What do you want, Lord?” or “Lord, do you want me to get married or be consecrated to you?” That’s too broad, be specific and detailed. “Lord, am I called to be your spouse?” Or, “Lord, do you want me to enter this religious community?” Pick a good question.
Week 1: Removing obstacles.
If Jesus appeared to you right now and asked you to do this thing, is there any part of you that would go, “AAAAAHHHHHH!” in fear, hesitation, or pain?
What is causing you to hold back?
Spend this time digging deep and addressing any fears or lies present in you.
Revisit this step as much as needed.
Week 2: Making an election.
This is the discernment part, of which there are two types.
Type One Discernment: (rare) You receive a clear call and are ready to take an immediate step, the door is open and it is clear now is the time to move.
Type Two Discernment: You spend some time taking note of consolation and desolation in your life. In moments of consolation, when you are close to the Lord and He has given you the gifts of consoling feelings, where are you drawn to move? Do you want to go towards religious life in times of consolation? When you are in desolation and God feels very far away, do you want to move away from religious life (or the thing you are discerning)? Noticing the movements of consolation and desolation gives you information to work with, from which you can make an educated decision. Now you can make an election, a choice, in trust. Remember, perfect clarity is a tower of babel.
Week 3: Praying with the Passion
Spend time praying through the Passion and Death of our Lord.
Do you notice a deeper union with Jesus because of your decision?
If not, repeat week one or start over with a new question.
Week 4: Praying with the Resurrection
Spend some time praying through the Resurrection of Jesus.
Do you have joy, gratitude, and awe in your decision?
If not, repeat week one or start over with a new question.
He recommended moving through these four weeks when you begin to discern consecrated life, again when you are discerning communities, and again after entering.
For me, this approach was very different from what is commonly practiced at Franciscan University. In my early understanding, discernment was all about chasing peace. In prayer at college I would ask a million questions, turn over the options in my mind, and try to feel which one brought me the most peace. People would say things like, “I don’t really have peace with this so it’s not God’s will.” When their ‘lack of peace’ may have just been an “AAAAAAHHHH!” obstacle that needed addressing. When peace is the focus of discernment, it’s easy to give too much weight to our own anxiety, insecurities, and fears. Sometimes staying in the comfort of what we already know feels a lot like peace, and advancing into the unknown exposes fears and can cause anxiety. Instead of chasing an emotion, chase union and intimacy with Christ Crucified. Of course, union with Christ does bring a deep abiding peace, like a deeper current beneath the chaotic surface waves. Peace is less of an emotion and more a state of being, offered to us at every moment through the presence of the Holy Spirit in us through our Baptism.
The chaotic and rather uncomfortable state of being pulled back and forth on a question (ex: religious life or marriage), is God sifting you and bringing obstacles to the surface. Learning this was a great comfort to me because I found I wasn’t alone and there was nothing wrong with me for seesawing. Rejoice in the sifting! This uncomfortable but natural process is God bringing you closer to His will! You will need to address all obstacles to move forward either way. This takes time, patience, and God’s grace. Luckily for us, God’s way forward is always the most efficient, even if it seems long, roundabout, or beyond our human reasoning.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the summary of what I’ve learned so far. The journey continues, oddly enough, in Maine. Let me know if you enjoyed this article and perhaps I’ll write more like this. I’ve missed writing essays in college and Belize newsletters filled that void for a while, but now I’m back to normal adult life. Please pray for me as I readjust to life in the world post-mission, figure out my health, and continue my discernment. Thanks for reading and listening to my song, it is very dear to me!
Under the Mercy,
Grace McCormick
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